


The Arrangement

by burrfication



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Friends With Benefits, Getting Back Together, M/M, Pining, breaking up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 04:23:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16548839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burrfication/pseuds/burrfication
Summary: After years of silence, Alexander has decided to tell Aaron he's in love. Before he can, Aaron has news of his own to share. It's good news - but not for Alexander.





	The Arrangement

“I’ve got something to tell you,” Alexander said. Aaron grinned, beckoning him into his apartment. In contrast to his usual manner, Aaron was all but bouncing with excitement.

“I’ve got news, too. You remember that job I applied for, the one in Paris? They just called. I got the job. I leave in October.”

The smile on Aaron’s face was as bright as Alexander had ever seen it. He was radiant, excited beyond belief. He had every right to be. This was the opportunity of a lifetime. The role in Paris he had applied for had been a long shot, but it promised to jump his career forward ten years. He would have to be a madman not to take it. As his friend, Alexander would be a monster not to be happy for him.

The words ‘I think I’m in love with you’ stuck in Alexander’s throat. The ache in his chest was sudden and all encompassing. It threatened to swallow him whole, and Alexander wished escape could be so easy. He felt as though the rug had been pulled from beneath him. What had seemed certain only a few moments ago was cast into doubt, while his nascent hopes for the future had been dashed. Aaron would take the job. He would go to Paris, as promised, and live his dream, as he deserved. 

Alexander would remain in New York. Alone.

When Aaron asked him a few minutes later what he had been going to say, Alexander had laughed it off and changed the topic. There was no point to his confession now. Aaron put up no resistance. He continued to talk about his future with bright eyed enthusiasm, for once entirely oblivious to Alexander’s reluctance. Each word felt like another mortal wound to Alexander’s chest. He tried to drag up some excitement on Aaron’s behalf, but the words tasted bitter and sick on his tongue. Try as he might, he could not be happy for Aaron. He wanted to keep him all to himself. They had been friends since the day Alexander had arrived in the US. Much more recently, Alexander had found himself wishing for more. It hurt more than it should have to realize those wishes could never come to fruition. 

Two days later, he caught Aaron checking him out. Alexander’s flirtatious response was driven by instinct more than anything else. When Aaron beamed at him, he couldn’t help but smile back. 

“I was thinking,” Aaron said. “What if we made an arrangement?”

“What kind of arrangement?”

Casual sex. Neither of them were in a position to be thinking about a relationship, not with Aaron moving and Alexander’s career just starting to take off. They both had too many other responsibilities. But there was a spark. There could be more than a spark, Aaron argued - and why shouldn’t they take what they could, while they could? It was a persuasive argument. It was half of what Alexander wanted, served up to him on a silver platter. How could he say no?

Despite the deadline on their relationship, they started slow. Going from friends to casual lovers was a risky endeavour, and neither of them wanted to ruin their fragile friendship. The first night Alexander slept at Aaron’s place, they did nothing but sleep. Alexander woke the next morning with a smile on his face and a pleasant warmth filling his heart. If Alexander wasn’t careful, he could get used to waking up in Aaron’s bed all too easily. He liked everything about spending time with Aaron. The other man had a soothing, almost calming effect on him. It was hard to feel anxious about work when he had Aaron by his side, warm and steady and sweet. The ever-whirling hurricane in his mind eased. Instead of the underlying chaos, his thoughts flowed like quicksilver: just as fast but now with purpose. It was a glorious feeling. 

Day by day, Alexander found more things about Aaron to adore. Some of the things were genuinely worthy of praise, like his quick wit or his sense of humour, but Alexander found himself mooning over entirely neutral things. He found Aaron’s tendency to nod off during movies endearing, and thought the sight of him bundled up in a sweater was cute. He adored Aaron’s tendency to make music through the day, whether he was humming while he cooked or singing in the shower. His voice soon became Alexander's favourite sound. Most of all, he loved the special smile Aaron reserved just for him. It was a warm expression, one that made Alexander flush with happiness from his head to his toes.

It would have been perfect, if not for the looming deadline on their relationship. Alexander did his best to keep it casual. He saw other people, and pretended it was normal that he found them dull in comparison. He reminded himself often of his old complaints about Aaron: that he was boring, he could be clumsy, he lost things, he had an awful habit of disagreeing with Alexander. It did not work. The traits that had made him think Aaron was boring were the same things that made Alexander feel so safe with him. He could not explain it, so he could not combat it. All he knew was that he had never felt quite so safe and loved as he did when he was with Aaron. 

It was only in the dead of night either of them even hinted about their feelings. Two weeks before Aaron was due to leave, Alexander lay awake in his bed. Aaron’s fingers played with his hair. Aaron seemed to love his hair, stroking it and playing with it at every opportunity. Alexander's eyes slid shut in lazy contentment. It would be so easy to sleep, but Alexander did not want to miss a moment of this bliss.

“Alexander? Are you awake?”

Alexander hummed his response. “Yeah. Why?”

“I was just thinking. If things were different, I would have been proud to call you my boyfriend.”

A lump formed in Alexander’s throat. He did not look at Aaron, nor did he think Aaron was looking at him. Aaron’s words could not have been more perfectly crafted to crush Alexander’s heart. What could he even say to that? He could have talked for hours about how much he wanted that. He would have, if he had thought it would do him any good. But he could not change the facts: Aaron was leaving, and Alexander could not even blame him for it. Alexander cleared his throat. 

“Yeah. I...”

There was nothing more to say. Anything else Alexander could say would only hurt them further. He rolled onto his side, away from Aaron. He felt the bed shift as Aaron pressed himself against Alexander’s back. When Aaron’s arms wrapped around him, Alexander took his hand and brought it to his lips for a kiss. Alexander pretended not to notice the awful hitch in Aaron’s breath, and Aaron pretended not to notice Alexander’s tears dripping against his fingers.

If things had been different, they could have been together. If.

The before Aaron’s flight left, Alexander helped him pack up his apartment. Much of it got thrown out. There was no point lugging it all across the ocean, Aaron reasoned, so it might as well go to charity. Alexander stole as many little reminders as he could. He might not be able to keep Aaron, but he could have a half-empty box of his favourite soap and three scarves. It occurred to Alexander that this hoarding could be seen as creepy, and was almost certainly not healthy. It was enough to make him look twice at his hoard - but then Aaron asked him if he wanted a stack of books, and he accepted enthusiastically. If he stole enough reminders of Aaron's presence in his life, maybe memories would be enough.

Once emptied, Aaron’s bright and airy apartment was not a pleasant place to be. Something about the sight made the hairs prickle on the back of Alexander’s neck. This was wrong, deeply wrong, and no one seemed inclined to care. 

“You should stay at my place,” Alexander blurted. Aaron looked at him. For the first time in three months, Alexander found his expression completely unreadable. Whatever there was to read there, perhaps it was best Alexander didn’t know it. Aaron shook his head.

“I think it’s best if I stay here.”

The words felt like a death blow.

“Right. Well. I should be going,” Alexander said, jerking his thumb in the direction of the exit. His movements were rough and jittery. He felt like a marionette being jerked back and forth by a very inconsiderate puppeteer. Despite his words, he didn’t move an inch. After a moment, Aaron stepped forward. His arms wrapped tightly around Alexander and he buried his face in the crook of Alexander’s neck. Alexander returned the hug and took a deep breath, both to memorize Aaron’s smell and steady his own shaky breath. 

It was difficult for Alexander to say how long they stood there. Entire minutes slipped past before Alexander pulled away. When he left shortly after, he could not shake the nagging feeling that something was wrong. He felt like he was caught in a dream. The world was slow and fading around him. He repeated their final moments together again in his head, recalling the warmth of Aaron’s skin and the scent of his cologne. God, Alexander missed him already.

The next morning, Alexander checked the clock obsessively. 9:01 AM. 9:12 AM. 9:18 AM. Aaron’s flight was not due to leave until 10:20, and Alexander did not know how he could survive that long. He did not like waiting. He liked it even less when he was waiting for something he did not want and could not change. More than once he entertained the idea of rushing to the airport, but to what end? Aaron would not give up his career. Alexander would never ask him to. Nor would he ask Alexander to Paris with him. If he was the kind of person to expect that, Alexander never would have fallen in love with him in the first place. Alexander was stuck in a hell of his own making.

Work distracted Alexander at 9:37 AM. Two whole hours slipped by before Alexander realized he had missed Aaron's departure. When he looked at the clock and saw it was after eleven, a lump caught in his throat. He slipped outside the office and onto the street. The idea that strangers might see the tears on his cheeks was alarming, but it was better than the indignity of being caught crying in the bathroom. He found a quiet park and stared at the sky. He wanted to scream. He wanted to shout at fate for taking away the best thing that had ever happened to him. Yes, the time he had spent with Aaron was good, good enough that he’d do it all again despite the ache in his chest. But that did not stop him from wanting Aaron back.

Alexander thought of Aaron every day for six months. He did not text him, nor call him or write to him. But every single day, something would remind him of the friend he had loved. 

After a year, he could say he only thought of Aaron once a week. The fact that he thought of him at all annoyed Alexander. He still held entirely too much affection for Aaron in his heart, and he could not begin to comprehend why. He had dated people before Aaron. He had loved people before Aaron, and he had moved on from those relationships easily enough. He had dated people since Aaron, too, and he had given everything he had to those relationships. They did not stop him from missing Aaron. He missed his smile and his touch and the morning light filtering through his apartment windows. Most of all, he missed the effect he had had on Alexander. Aaron had not just made him happier; he had made him better. Alexander had tried to hold onto those lessons and improve himself, and what he had done was nothing to sneeze at - but he knew he would be better off if Aaron was around. If there was one thing Alexander hated, it was being anything less than the best.

Four years passed before he found himself in the same city as Aaron once more. Aaron contacted him within two weeks of Alexander moving into the city. They met at a local cafe and spent an entire afternoon talking and trading stories. They did not flirt, or kiss, or even hug. Too long had passed, and although Alexander’s hands itched to reach out for Aaron, he suspected his advances would be unwelcome. He did not want to lose his friend again after so long. For the first time in his life, Alexander kept quiet and bided his time. 

Nearly six months passed before they stumbled into bed together. They were not drunk, nor was it particularly late. It was a warm, golden, sunny afternoon. Aaron had invited Alexander to his apartment as he often did, and one thing had led to another. When Alexander tried to slip away after, Aaron reached out and caught his hand.

“Stay.”

How could Alexander say no? Despite the early hour, he climbed back into bed beside Aaron. The last thing he felt before falling asleep was Aaron’s fingers stroking through his hair.

The next morning, Alexander woke alone. It was not an abrupt awakening. The first thing he noticed was warmth, followed by the scent of clean laundry and a hint of sandalwood. As each sense awoke, he found another reminder of Aaron’s presence. Despite being the only one in the bed, there was a smile on Alexander's face when he got up. He was alone, but not abandoned.

He found Aaron in the bathroom. He was singing in the shower, unaware of Alexander’s eavesdropping as his voice echoed off the bathroom tiles. It was an old song, Alexander noticed. Aaron had always had old fashioned taste in music. It was a love song, a song about old lovers reunited and the promise of a new future. 

What came next would not be easy. They still had to talk, and Aaron still had not told Alexander explicitly what he wanted. But then, Aaron had never said much. Alexander had words; Aaron would other ways to tell him. And maybe, just maybe, he already had.

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to be a significant chunk of the plot for a much longer fic, so I may come back and fiddle with this another time.  
> Written in response to the prompt "melody"


End file.
